I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
