Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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