I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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