I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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