we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
