was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
