You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
