I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
