I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
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Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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