you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
