The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
