My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize