I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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