I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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