Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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