i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
