Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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