do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
