Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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