somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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