I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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