I just made out with a guy for $7.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
