im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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