I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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