After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize