Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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