she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
