two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
