BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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