Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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