my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
