Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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