hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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