He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
