We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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