Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
