I never want to see another naked old woman again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
