I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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