no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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