I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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