got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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