Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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