I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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