Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize