My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
