I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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