if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
