Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable