If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
