sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
