I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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