I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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